this could be anything

moulting.

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Why, hello there! It’s been a long while.

So I was stopped in my tracks by this amusing sight one sunny Sunday afternoon, outside Marina Square.

Just this lone pigeon, peacefully pottering down an empty corridor. An odd pigeon strolling through life.

I have been gone for a year now, chiefly dealing with life and work and its many roller-coasters. Much has happened. My absence coincided with a need to disappear into the seams of my life, to privately deal with the stuff that was impossible to articulate or share publicly.

You see, M and I decided peaceably to go our separate ways. We are still friends, but we are no longer together. We are both fine, in the bigger scheme of things, and healing in our own time.

On top of that, 2015 has been pretty rewarding work-wise, with many new challenges and opportunities to be thankful for. Projects like Checkpoint Theatre’s “Normal”, or The Studios : fifty’s “Selected Works of Tan Tarn How”, or doing a voice-over for a children’s animated series, or being drenched for 7 hours straight for a TVC shoot. You get put in front of this crazy challenge, and each time you go “Oh fuck I have never done this before, will I be able to do this?”, and then somehow you do. With varying degrees of success, but you do your very best, and you learn your inner critic is the one you need to please; not anybody else.

Despite these projects, there have been typical freelancer-style nail biting moments of “will I get work this month?”, but I have more often than not heaved a sigh of relief because some small (but no less treasured) job comes along and stacks upon the others and tides me through the month.

… And I turned 30 this August. 30 used to scare me but now I’m glad I can claim that age. To validly own its weight and its heft. Was it Anna Kendrick who said something like, “I love turning 30 because I feel in your 20s you stay out late and you kinda feel you have to. But now I can say, I’m 30 dammit and I’m heading home at 11 to kick off my heels, snuggle under a blanket and watch a TV show.” Yah.

So yeah. Here I am. Doing this thing. This theatre thing; this life thing; this new beginnings thing. And it’s scary, joyful, heartbreaking, uncertain. And I’m feeling everything keenly. Soaking it up.

And hey, thank you for sticking around ;) I treasure the company.

p.s. I am planning to continue writing here instead; I’d love it if you would join me there.

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7 thoughts on “moulting.

  1. Tales says:

    I stumbled upon your site a long while back, when you were likely to be in your early 20s. I have since stopped reading due to the usual ‘commitments’ in life, but what a coincidence that I came knocking again today – after I saw a big letter Z which reminded me of this quirky site – just to find a post you made a few days ago after a long hiatus. I note a slight change in the style of writing from this last post – more sombre, perhaps with the things that you have been through, but definitely more matured. Challenges do come in abundance as we march through life and these will mould us to be who we are today, and define what we continue to search to be our true/comfortable selves. Continue to write and inspire those who read – which you have had a long time back for me.

    • theletterzee says:

      Dear Tales, am so glad you said hi, and that you found your way back here after all those years just as I posted (funny, huh?). Thank you for your solidarity and support… Yes, I suppose my writing style has changed somewhat because of all the growing and changing this past year :) I see it as a good thing, going toward a truer, more comfortable self, as you put it. I will continue to write; thank you again for coming here and sharing your thoughts with me. It’s so nice to hear from you.

  2. S says:

    I first chanced upon this site about 5 years back but it was a weird coincidence for me when I realized you were the girl I drove past at the bus stop on the way to work every other day, I’m guessing before you got married. The thing is I was going through pretty bad break up blues myself, and you were that thin ray of sunshine that got my spirits up just that little bit in that very dark year, or for those few months that I saw you anyway. So I followed this site for a while, until things changed up and I moved into another phase of life. It’s been about 4 years since I entered your blog name into my search bar, but some random train of thought got me back here today. I just want you to know that the pain does go away, and while that old person will always be a part of you, that guy you finally end up with will make you feel that it was all just part of the journey, that’s what I feel now anyway after finding someone I could marry at 33. Keep on fighting, you’ll just get better at being happy with time.

    • theletterzee says:

      Hi s, wow. Together with Tales’ comment above, I am blown away by how many little coincidences make up our crossed paths :) Thank you for the encouragement. It is great to know you are in a far better place, with someone you love and wish to be with for a long time. I still have faith in love. But yes, the healing will take time, and I am being patient with it.

      … I’m still curious as to which bus stop this is, haha! :)

      • S says:

        haha the sixth avenue bus stop near ming teck park, unless you have some doppelganger that I’m unaware of. I had also seen M separately in a mall in HK, which was slightly freaky for me at the time.

  3. Viv says:

    Glad to have you back, and sorry to hear about you and M. Hopefully I will get to see you in the theatre some day, work sounds promising. You know what they say – one door shut another open and all that. Looking forward to more entries! I’ve always enjoyed your writing.

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